On "Loving Yourself"
On the surface, it seems obvious. Just love yourself. Simple and reasonable. Each of us has an idea of what love is. Each of us has a sense of self. What could be simpler than bestowing our love upon ourselves? In my opinion, the complexity of this idea lies within the simplicity of its statement, and therein lies the problem.
Love Yourself
The subject of self-love has been bothering me for the last few years and I’ve never been able to reconcile it with my thoughts. In spite of the obviousness of a statement such as “love yourself” I find it fascinating how it can also be confusing, complex, and conflicting.
Complex things can be explained simply by those who understand the subject. However a simplified explanation will only give a surface level understanding to those who aren’t as well educated on the subject. If it can be stated that complex things can be simple, the opposite statement of simple things being able to be complex must then also be true.
Although love is a simple concept that describes a feeling, it is very wide and complex in both its idea and its expression. As a result when something complex is described in a simplified manner, it is bound to be misunderstood.
Can I love myself the same way I love my mother? Can I love myself the same way as I love a friend? Can I love myself like I love my partner? The answer seems to be yes and no. Yes, because some sides of those forms of love do overlap with each other and thus overlap with some elements of love that can be expressed towards myself.
For example I can take care of myself the same way I would take care of my mother, friend or lover. That would be a kind of helping love. I can accept myself for who I am like I would accept my mother, but in regards to my mother, it’s not up to me to change her. That created another question. Is accepting myself the way I am a form of self love?
With greater introspection, would it be reasonable to simply accept myself as I am? If I’m able to pinpoint my own flaws, those flaws that affect my wellbeing or smoothness of my progression through life, then accepting myself the way I am would be the opposite of loving myself, as then I’m not making steps towards improvement. But if I tell myself that I accept myself the way I am, but still remain self critical and work on self improvement, am I really accepting myself the way I am?
In my opinion, the answer is no, as I acknowledge myself being the way I am, but do not accept it. The other side of the argument lies in the answer – no. As in I can’t love myself the same way I love my mother, friend or partner. That love is expressed in an outward manner. Thus how can I love myself internally the same way I love externally? In other words, outward love can cause emotional pain due to separation or disappointment, which cannot be the case with self love.
Am I loving myself when I’m taking good care of my body by nourishing it with quality food, having enough rest and engaging in physical and mental activities? The logical answer would be yes, yet that creates another question. Discipline seems to be an invaluable part of physical and mental wellbeing, but sometimes it requires overcoming discomforts and pain. After all, a muscle needs stimulation to grow and that growth can be described as a form of pain. Same holds true for dietary choices. Choosing to satisfy my cravings appears to be an expression of self love in a short perspective, but the opposite in a long perspective.
Likewise, depriving myself of an unhealthy snack would mean denying my temporary desires, which would appear to be the opposite of self love in the moment, but would be an expression of self love in the long run. But that is only from a short sighted perspective. This is because if I acknowledge the long term effects of not eating an unhealthy snack, I acknowledge that this momentary act of self discipline comes from self love. That would bring me to a conclusion that discipline is an expression of self love if it’s acknowledged and distributed in moderation.
So far loving myself has brought up two ideas. Discipline and moderation are both important, as is their combination.
What else could self love be?
Is it self love to engage in activities that bring me joy? The obvious answer would be yes. What if the activity is counterproductive to my goals and ambitions or conflicts with my wellbeing? Then the obvious answer would be no. So which one is it? Or is it yes and no? Maybe the answer is yes, if the joyous activity is in harmony with my physical and mental wellbeing as well as my goals and ambitions.
The answer would be yes and no if the activity was in harmony with either my health or my goals and ambitions. In that case, what would be the reasoning for my goals and motivations or what I consider to be healthy for my body and mind, that is in why an activity that brings me joy would take away from another important part of my life? And the answer would be no, if the activity that brings me joy is in conflict with my health or ambitions.
The answer is still unclear. So then the term “joy” must be clarified. What is the joy I’m talking about? Is it the pure joy of exploration and creation or is it the joy that comes from suppression of something internal? When I write this text, I feel a sense of joy, and when I am high on any substance I feel a sense of joy too. Bringing back physical health – I can work out reasonably and feel joy from knowing that I’m doing something good for my body.
I can feel joy because I’m starting to notice improvements. I can feel joy from knowing that this activity is contributing to my future wellbeing. At the same time I could work out excessively and experience joy from reaching my limits, but as a result get injured. I could also work out because I want to feel good or because I want others to admire me. Is that still self love? Questionable.
That brings us to the idea of balance and motivation. As in what’s the motivation behind my actions and am I engaging in those actions in a balanced manner or not.
Another significant moment. Is it self love to remain in my comfort zone? In a short-sighted view, the answer could be yes. Though the long term answer could be both yes and no depending on the circumstances. Is it self love to avoid responsibilities or is it self love to take responsibility? Once again, if we’re talking about comfort and shortsightedness, the answer would most probably be yes. Yet again, if we’re looking at the question with a broader view, the answer would be no. Why? Because responsibility strengthens and disciplines us. And discipline is a form of self-love.
Now we have two more ideas. Responsibility and perspective.
By now it seems to me that self love is predominantly about physical and mental wellbeing as well as knowing oneself, rather than anything else. My thought process has led me to a list of keywords.
Discipline, moderation, balance, motivation, responsibility and perspective. Discipline and responsibility could be consolidated into one – discipline. Moderation and balance could also be combined into one – Balance. As a result we’re left with discipline, balance, motivation and perspective, although perspective remains beyond the meaning of self love as perspective belongs to the individual observer or thinker and isn’t a part of the idea itself.
Conclusion
And now to conclude my mental gymnastics. It seems to me, although I could be wrong, that self love is a combination of discipline, balance and motivation. Self love is not the same as the love we express towards others. Self love is internal and involves withholding from short term comforts and indulgences. Self love is centered within the person, yet can be partially carried into the external world as a byproduct. Loving myself is the very baseline of my existence which dictates the quality of my life and social adaptation.
By practicing self love I can function and grow. Loving myself may improve the baseline of my life if I’m engaging in it reasonably and responsibly and am able to criticise myself rationally. When reason, rationality and discipline are excluded from the equation – self love becomes escapism and laziness. Loving myself allows me to create good conditions for growth, yet it does not initiate or carry out the growth itself.
Follow on social media
Author: Alex
I’ve spend a decade working in advertising, social media and cultural industries, which have given me great insights into what’s going on behind the scenes.